Anxiety

Anxiety is a crushing thing. Can completely take your breath away, make you feel like you are suffocating, struggling so hard to breath but there just isn't enough air. It's something I've become all too familiar with this last week. 

Stress has taken it's toll on me and life just seems like too much sometimes. All I need is a break, a little quiet time to myself to relax and let go. It's so hard to find that time as a full time student, mom and wife. But it's essential to my mental health to do so. 

A walk around the block to clear my head, or just lying in be with the door closed for some privacy sometimes works. But so far the best relaxation I've found has been in my husbands arms. Just having him hold me and reminding me to breath deep has given me a sense of peace I find so hard to find these days. Through all the hard times we've been through, I know those arms are where I belong, where I find my inner peace. 

Today was the first time in days I haven't had an anxiety attack. The first day I haven't felt that crushing feeling, my heart beating way too fast, sweat dripping off of me, the migraines and the shaking. It's a terrible thing to experience daily...and I'm so thankful I made it a day free of that terror. 

Minimalism

This isn't a new concept, and definitely not something new to come prancing through my brain, but, it's different this time. I want to purge my life of all the unnecessary items I own. 

A bunch of different things have brought me to this conclusion, but two main reasons exist. I need to have less distractions around to enjoy my life and my family. I want to help the planet, and all these unnecessary purchases and items are wasting the worlds resources and adding to climate change. 

Today was day 1 of my purge. I went through my bedroom and rid myself of items and clothing that I have been holding on to as a "just-in-case" situation, and items that I'm keeping purely for memory sake. I even tossed out my girls baby books, unneeded space-takers. I have these memories all within me, memories of their first steps and of how they were as babies. I have pictures saved to Shutterfly that will aide me if my memory fades. I have kept one small box of items from my Pippin and Cinnamons first year, and that box is filled with ultrasound pictures and their bracelets from the hospital. 

I don't need these things, and I feel lighter without it. I will be doing purges everyday till I feel my worldly posessions are only what I need and love. Nothing more then that. 

Almost Spring

We got to move our clocks ahead today, but the weather still screams winter. I have big plans this year once Spring hits and it's getting extremely difficult waiting for the snow to stop. Digging, planting, watching Cinnamon and Pippi playing in the dirt, watching the plants grow and making fairy houses. *sigh* I just can't wait. Come on Mother Nature! 

I have started following a Wiccan Parenting page on Facebook. Bringing me back into the only religion I have felt a connection with. I think I will be taking my Wiccan books out of storage and start looking through it again. It's hard finding your niche in this world, but by exploring mine I've found myself so far to be a bisexual, Wiccan, married mother. And I'm so damn lucky to have found a husband who supports me in every way. 

It's Been A Long Time...

It had been months since I visited, and I'm not going to make excuses. I have been lazy. I have also been in school though! 

My Practical Nursing program is going great, I am doing really well and my whole class is extremely smart. Definitely a new school experience for me, we are all in the course for the same reason, all with the same goal, it's such an easy environment to learn in. 

We are heading into warmer weather already. Finally hitting the positives in the day, so I have started planning and planting our garden for this year! So excited to see our garden this year. It will be in containers, not 100% on location yet in our backyard, maybe deck, maybe down in the in-laws garden. I bought some grow bags off of eBay, 25 - 7 gallon bags with drainage holes, and filling with a 50/50 mix of topsoil and compost. We will also be putting a plastic bottle in each container partially covered in soil to be a drip irrigation into the roots directly (just going to stab the bottle a few times to make some slits in it). This will help with fertilizing every few weeks too. As long as I don't get carried away and forget to take pictures I will post some :-) 

We got our seeds from www.westcoastseeds.com and the rest of it (other then the grow bags) was purchased at the dollar store. We do still need soil... 

We got:

Peas (Little Marvel)

Beans (Tricolour Bush Bean Blend)

Cucumbers (Green Dragon)

Lettuce (Fast and Furious Babyleaf Blend)

Peppers (California Wonder 300)

Pumpkins (Howden)

Tomatoes (Red Robin and Celebrity)

Sunflowers (Short Blend)

Marigolds (Brocade Mix) 

Cornflower (Bachelors Button)

And the company sent an extra pack of flower seeds for us, at no charge, it's a pollinating mix and I have no idea what's in it, I'm just going to spread it around the backyard I think :-)

The children are growing fast. Pictures to come of course! 

Time to get back to life, I will be back soon. I promise :-)

You Are Beautiful

Every day I tell my girls they are beautiful, that I believe in them and that they can do anything they set their mind to. Every day I try and bring their self confidence up, to help them see themselves as the amazing people they are. It is so hard though, to teach self confidence, when you have such a small amount for yourself.

It is like trying to teach someone how to make cheese sauce when you have only seen the prep work done and never made it yourself. A rather difficult challenge for sure. How are you supposed to accomplish such a crazy feat?

By telling them exactly what you wish someone had said to you growing up and telling YOURSELF you are beautiful.

Say it when people aren't looking, say it when they are. Make yourself believe it.

A Failure

I am going to admit something, something that has been plaguing me since I had children. I feel like a failure.

A complete and utter failure.

I love my children with all my heart and soul but I feel like I can never do anything right with them. I did all the research before they were born, decided to breastfeed, cloth diaper and co-sleep. Yet I do one thing so often and I want to stop but I just can't: I yell.

This yelling has been happening for a while now and it seems I am stuck in a yelling rut that I just can't get out of. I see how it hurts my girls, I have seen how they are both starting to just yell at me instead of properly communicating. The yelling stresses me out, which in turn makes me yell even more. And then I end up getting to the point where all I want to do is have some time away from my girls. AND THEN I feel even worse because moms aren't supposed to feel that way. Moms are supposed to be perfect, never get frazzled.

I try and do my best but I still feel like Im failing. Im failing my girls, and I fear that when they are older and they look back on their childhood they only remember the yelling, and the stress. Will they remember the good times? Will they know how much I love them and that Im doing the best I can?

What will they remember?...

Style

I have been searching for a style to call my own. Growing up I always wore what was on sale, as tends to happen when you have 5 siblings, or hand-me-downs from my mom. It has been hard to figure out who I am in clothes form.

The style I love the most and am just starting to get into and own is the updated vintage style dresses. Much like the outfits Amy Adams wore in The Muppets. It is now just a matter of finding something that looks good on me.

With breastfeeding my boobs have become gigantic and it seems most clothing doesn't want to fit both my body and my boobs. I am a M in body and XL in boobs size...all dresses look so goofy.

For my birthday I purchased myself a few of these vintage style dresses, one is a mint green, the other a beige. Both fall just above the knee, do up quite a bit up the chest and have "collars" like on dress shirts, and are quite flowy. I love them but wish I had been able to fit my chest into a smaller dress, and even in a large (the biggest available) the buttons on my chest are ready to burst!

But Im happy I can look relatively cute this summer!